Take that, PETA! Franc Fernandez poses with some other designers’ creations at the Haute Cut-ure Fashion Show.

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by Joanie Cox

When Lady Gaga appeared on the MTV Video Music Awards in a meat dress last September, I screamed with delight. I immediately wanted to meet the designer behind the controversial creation. On March 3, I got my chance when I attended a show featuring the most unusual collection I’ve ever encountered. The fashions at the Haute Cut-ure Fashion Show and Red Carpet: A Night of Rare Fashion consisted entirely of raw meat. The evening’s host, Franc Fernandez, is the man behind Gaga’s meat dress. He crafted the dress with his assistant, Lyndsea LaMarr, and Gaga’s stylist, Nicola Formichetti.

The runway show fittingly took place at STK, the swanky steakhouse at the Gansevoort Hotel in Miami Beach. Fernandez flew in from Paris, where he was working on new accessories, and didn’t arrive until after 11 p.m. I ended up hanging out with LaMarr for a decent chunk of the night. An L.A. girl, she seemed less intense than the women I typically encounter in Miami’s fashion scene. The rebellious fashionista dropped out of college to work in product development at American Apparel and got the opportunity to sew the meat dress after taking photos for her friend’s pornography blog. The blogger hooked her and Fernandez up.

Clad in a hot-pink, one-shouldered minidress with a giant starfish pinned to the side of her head, LaMarr gave me the beef on the gown. “We used a Spanish meat that had good marbleization and was easy to work with,” she explains. “We worked on the dress for about 18 hours and stored it in a 5-foot cooler. It was really fun to make, though. I felt like a doctor sewing the flesh — a doctor of fashion.”

LaMarr and Fernandez, who are both 23, taxidermied the dress to preserve it. “The dress was more of a direction from Nicola,” Fernandez says. “Originally, we just wanted to do a meat purse, and then, we decided to go all the way. I think he kind of threw it out there, and [even Lady Gaga] didn’t expect it to be a whole dress.”

It was the first dress Fernandez ever made. To add to the shock value, Gaga didn’t try it on before the night of the awards show. “She literally put it on for the first time when you saw her on TV,” Fernandez says. “We put it on her and we went with it. It fit right.”

Fernandez says he will never make another outfit from meat and has no plan to launch a clothing line. He’s working as the creative director for a planned talk show, though he’s happy that people were excited about the dress. “Everyone seemed pretty proud. I think it was on Twitter for two days straight. Cher even tweeted about it,” he recalls. “I think one of my friends mentioned, ‘It’s great you’re a trending topic on Twitter, and you didn’t even have to die or anything.’  ”

Fernandez emceed the fashion show, which featured USDA-approved fashions from three designers. Beth Gerharts, the designer of Miami’s Betty Bangs swimwear, whipped up a meat bikini for the event, while New York designers Kelly Dooley and Martin Capristan designed a raw sports bra and halter dress, respectively.

Dooley designed her sports bra using flank steak and nylon thread. Gerharts says it took her four hours to construct her meat-kini. Using fishing line to sew it together, Gerharts — who also used flank steak for her design — named her piece “Meat Me in Miami.” It suits the city to a T-bone. It is, after all, kind of a meat market.

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GLOBAL WARNING
Miami Beach International Fashion Week has always been a great event to cover, simply because I never have a clue what type of fashions I’ll be seeing. Every year, it gets weirder. On March 4, at the Men’s Showcase and International Eveningwear Showcase at the Miami Beach Convention Center, designers from places such as the Dominican Republic and Dubai showed how looks differ around the world. Some of the menswear styles would work well in Miami, such as Mauricio Alberino’s line.

The Dominican designer Alberino showed a bevy of tropical-colored blazers and guayabera-inspired shirts. But Serbian designer Bata Spasojevic’s line of Matrix-like trench coats and pants with far too many zippers was a little too futuristic for the men of today. Can you image a guy showing up to Tarpon Bend for beers with the boys wearing a silver blazer, matching fitted cargo shorts and a scarf? It’s clearly a look best reserved for meeting up with the characters from Zoolander for Orange Mocha Frappucinos and an impromptu gasoline fight. On the upside, the models were forced to walk the runway in bizarre plastic eye coverings that resembled blindfolds, so they really couldn’t see what they were wearing.

Because the shows were running almost an hour behind, I nearly skipped the eveningwear segment due to hunger pains; I needed something more than the melon balls, cubes of pepper Jack cheese and Dixie Cup of Barefoot Bubbly available at the show. But I was glad I stayed, because I have never witnessed a more-intriguing presentation of eveningwear — other than Gaga’s meat dress, of course.

Dubai-based designer Rocky Gathercole’s showcase began as an homage to caveman couture. Male models wearing tiny loin coverings and airbrushed with primitive cave drawings prowled around the stage as if they were freshly thawed Encino men. They pounded the runway and made strange hand gestures toward the ceiling. Then, a bizarre collection of clothes was presented. The first model wore a large ram’s head and a mesh metal dress, resembling a creature we may see at some point on True Blood. Intense tribal music blared in the background as she proudly held up what looked like a human spine at the end of the runway. The spectacle continued with models sporting long, curly fingernails and wearing red feather headdresses, spiky silver bustiers, green feathered getups, fairy wings and a chandelier-inspired shirt that looked as if it has been ripped from the ceiling of the Forge.

During the show, I sat next to a couple of buyers, who joked about where they’d be able to stock and sell such apparel. But I could easily imagine the pieces appearing on a Gaga/Cher tour.

Although several designers showed more-traditional eveningwear, such as floor-length gowns, I fixated on the night’s fantasy fashions. The final collection to make my jaw drop was by Baron Levon Siamanto, a Pompano Beach-based designer and artist who draped models in painted canvases, created a ball gown from American flags and made a metal bustier dress adorned with a full-size violin. One piece appeared totally normal — a sleeveless, ruffled, white top. But when the model turned around, Siamanto didn’t let me down: A ginormous pair of scissors hung from the shirt, a perfect fashion statement for letting friends or lovers know when you feel stabbed in the back. Visit Glamazon.citylinkmix.com for photos and footage from the shows.

Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

The scene at the South Florida auditions for America’s Next Top Model (photo by Mike Stocker)

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by Joanie Cox

I have had the privilege of judging America’s Next Top Model’s South Florida auditions for several years and I’m continually amazed to hear these women’s stories. They all want a shot at getting on the CW reality show hosted by Tyra Banks, which last week began its 16th season. On Feb. 19, hundreds of women gathered at Nova Southeastern University to strut their stuff on a catwalk and convince the judges they were worthy of a spot on the series’ 17th season. I judged alongside Stacy Ostrau, publisher of the Sun-Sentinel’s Society Scene, and Neal Bredbeck, president of Las Olas Models. Models were rated 60 percent on appearance, 20 percent on poise and 20 percent on personality. Each candidate was taped and will be seen by a casting director, but our job was to select the top five models from the audition.

While the show can get a little silly — with models posing in masks with snakes and stumbling around in stripper shoes — the casting process can be even more-entertaining and, to my surprise, very emotional.

Model hopefuls walked for the judges from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Some women came from as far away as St. Augustine and Key Largo. Many of them were single mothers struggling to pay bills and looking for an opportunity to make their children and families proud. Some women were victims of child abuse and were seeking a chance to serve as role models for other victims. Several said they lost mothers and grandmothers in the earthquake in Haiti and believed getting on America’s Next Top Model would bring a shred of hope to their families. One of the saddest stories came from a young woman who told us she lost her mother to HIV.

After watching the show since its 2003 debut, and having had some modeling experience myself, I was expecting a few cat fights and more lighthearted behavior from the potential contestants. The atmosphere remained intense until an attractive young woman, shaking and sweating from nervousness, walked the runway while wiping her armpits with what she called her “lucky sweat rag.” Then, she sniffed it.

I think I may have found the new spokesmodel for American Rag.

ROCK AND SOLE
When I think of rock ‘n’ roll stagewear, comfort doesn’t seem to be part of the act. But Grace Potter (read my interview with her here), shared with me a backstage style secret. While Potter has no issue shimmying onstage in a short skirt and sky-high Giuseppe Zanotti boots, her outfits place function over fashion.

“You can always tell when a performer is uncomfortable, and my goal is to never look uncomfortable,” Potter says. “Even with my towering high heels I wear onstage, I need them to be a certain way. There’s always ankle support. There are always pads and there’s plenty of Dr. Scholl’s going on under the surface. There’s a lot more utility to what I wear onstage than people think.”

Potter is becoming known for her sparkly short skirts, but the singer insists she wears them more to put on a show than to be a showy girl. “My style is definitely eclectic and very surprisingly utilitarian to what we do onstage. You won’t find me in binding vinyl outfits, because I can’t perform the things I want to perform unless I have it laid out in such a way. That’s why I love short skirts,” she explains. “If it gets hot onstage, I’ve got breathing room. I can move around. I can shake it. I like my clothing to flow and feel like it’s comfortable.”

Potter also enjoys tweeting pictures of her outfits to her fans. “Fashion and music go hand in hand. That’s what made rock ‘n’ roll so scintillating in the ’60s and ’70s,” she argues. “Half the time, you’re just wondering, ‘What are they gonna wear?’ I love it.”

Back in the day, Tina Turner needed the miniskirts and Cher wouldn’t have been half as interesting without her ornate Bob Mackie gowns. But it’s not the dress, honey — it’s what’s it in it. Potter could suit up in a Hefty bag and Crocs and still sizzle.

RUNWAY READY
• From Thursday through Sunday, Miami International Fashion Week will invade the Miami Beach Convention Center. At this year’s show, you can check out menswear from Dominican Republic, swimwear from Brazil and women’s collections from Dubai, Venezuela and Colombia. I’m especially anxious to see the Miami Style Showcase at 9 p.m. Thursday. Somy Ali of So-Me Designs will show her latest designs along with several other local designers, including Julian Chang and Nicolas Felizola. Tickets for this show cost $50.

• At 9 p.m. Saturday, the Mondrian Hotel South Beach will host a fashion show for Palm Beach-based designer Amanda Strong Boalt’s men’s swimwear line. Boalt specializes in preppy swim trunks in classic Palm Beach-inspired hues such as coral, blue and lime and fun fish-scale patterns. The show is free and open to the public. A VIP Style Lounge will feature a Corzo tequila bar and styling by Sean Donaldson Hair, which requires an RSVP to lizzi@taient.com. Visit Mondrian-miami.com.

Glamazon runs every other week. Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

Justin Moore at the Kiss Country Chili Cookoff: “I’m not ever going to be a fashion icon or anything like that.”

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by Joanie Cox

Leslie Wing Orúe takes a spontaneous approach to life. Wing is his real middle name, and his winging-it philosophy landed him at Flamingo Road Church four years ago. His experience accepting God into his life inspired El Penguin, a T-shirt line sold on Elpenguin.com that combines Christian messages with hot rod and motorcycle designs. “There’s always a roughness associated with motorcycles, and I wanted to show another side of it,” Orúe says.

Originally from Nicaragua, Orúe moved to Miami in 1983 with his father. By age 20, he was a bouncer at Miami nightclubs. “I carried out people who overdosed all the time,” he recalls. “I got tired of being around the materialism and the partying lifestyle. I used to have the best time partying in Miami and then, I’d go home by myself. I haven’t gone clubbing in a long time and I don’t miss it.”

Orúe has a Master of Fine Arts in special effects from Digital Media Arts College in Boca Raton, where he now lives, and owns a graphic-design company. He designs every T-shirt in his line and created the “El Penguin” character and logo. “When I was little, my brother used to call me Leslie Pen-wing,” Orúe says. “So I created this penguin character and gave him aviator goggles from the ’40s and a vintage helmet.”

Pin-up images and other art from the 1940s and ’50s influence his classic, clean designs. “I always liked the vintage rock ‘n’ roll era and simplicity of the 1950s,” Orúe says. “After I got saved, I wanted to share my faith with others. And if I can change even one person’s life through my shirts, I’m happy.”

For each T-shirt sold, organizations such as Sheridan House Family Ministries and 4Kids of South Florida receive a donation. Orúe is heavily involved with Sheridan House, volunteering his time to assist children and more than 400 single mothers in need. “I volunteer as much as I can and wish I could do it more,” he says. “I grew up watching my father help people, and now, I want to do the same thing. As a kid, he had me helping elderly women on our block carry in their groceries. Now, I understand what he was trying to teach me.”

While the women’s T-shirts are boldly emblazoned with words such as faith and hope, the men’s T-shirts offer a more-subtle spiritual message. One is printed with a large image of “El Penguin Garage” and a Bible verse beneath it in a smaller font that reads, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you.” Orúe says he wants the shirt to demonstrate how in the way gasoline powers a hot rod, God can fuel people’s lives.

“I had grown up feeling afraid of God instead of being with God,” Orúe says. “I had a friend tell me to look at God as a friend I can talk to, and that really changed everything for me.”

Although not every shirt in Orúe’s line bears a Christian message, the 37-year-old designer, who says positivity runs throughout his work. “We’ve become too selfish and need to simplify our lives,” he argues. “But I believe miracles do happen every day.”

PRETTY KITTY
Friends have tried to tell me I’m a little too old to be into Hello Kitty. Maybe this is because of my Hello Kitty steering-wheel cover, coffeemaker, slippers and Bank of America debit card. Perhaps it’s because I use all that stuff on a daily basis and I’m not in the seventh grade.

But I don’t want an intervention for my Hello Kitty addiction. I just want more merch. A few days ago, I walked into the Boca Raton Sephora and was overwhelmed by the sight of a Hello Kitty cosmetics display. While MAC released a limited-edition line of Hello Kitty-inspired makeup in early 2009, I never understood why Sanrio’s stylish cat didn’t have her own permanent primping collection. Sure, you can find the Hello Kitty play makeup for girls at Target, but Sephora is providing the real deal, with strong pigments and skin-softening fruit extracts that make for a cosmetics line that keeps the fun in functional.

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The collection, which launched at Sephora stores last month and is available on Sephora.com, features glittery eyeliners, eye-shadow palettes, lip-gloss, nail polishes, fragrances and, of course, accessories such as Hello Kitty-shaped hand mirrors and application brushes. The Hello Kitty Charmmy Shadow Stick ($16) is essentially eye shadow in a pen that comes in colors such as the purplish “cream puff” and silvery “playground.” I hope someone will come out with Hello Kitty wrinkle cream in “old bag beige,” since I know I’ll need it one day. But since Kitty’s always rockin’ a sweet red or pink bow, it seems as if Hello Kitty Bow-tox could be in my future, too.

LESS IS MOORE
A July 2010 report on Adweek.com stated, “In a survey released last month by Allure and GQ magazines … 88 percent said men of their generation ‘spend more money on grooming products than men of our father’s generation.’ ”

I’m 99 percent positive, however, that this survey did not include the men I spotted Jan. 30 at the Kiss Country Chili Cookoff. Sporting farmer’s tans in lieu of spray tans and reeking of whiskey rather than Marc Jacobs cologne, Southern gentlemen and rodeo riders walked around the event in beat-up boots and worn-out jeans.

More redneck than red carpet, many Cookoff attendees appeared to have a knack for mixing multiple patterns of camouflage. For example: a mossy-oak hat paired with a jungle-camouflage T-shirt and desert-camo cargo shorts. And while you can take the boy out of Arkansas and make him a bona fide country star, you can’t take the Arkansas out of the boy. Justin Moore, who hit the stage after the Band Perry, wore the same outfit he wears when he’s not performing — Wranglers, boots, a short-sleeved henley shirt and a $70 straw Resistol cowboy hat. “I’m not ever going to be a fashion icon or anything like that,” Moore admitted to me before the show.

While male musicians such as Kanye West spend serious coin on stylists to create their awards-show looks, the no-frills Moore handles it like an average dude would. “My wife was talking to me three weeks before the CMAs, asking what I was gonna wear, and I said, ‘I don’t know, the same thing I always wear,’” Moore recalls with a laugh. “Then, a week before the show, she’s asking me again. And finally, the night of, I’m looking in my closet asking, ‘How about this?’”

Staying true to his song “Good Ole American Way,” the only name he wears is his own — on the back of his belt.

Glamazon runs every other week. Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

You have one decision to make this Valentine’s Day: Buy a quirky gift your lover will adore or don’t give anything and end up tagged in a Facebook thread from hell about what a sucky person you are.

Roses are clichéd and traditional candy is cheesy, so here are a few ideas to make Valentine’s shopping borderline tolerable.

1. I F*CKING LOVE YOU CANDY BOX
This gift says, “You’re far too extraordinary for a Whitman’s Sampler. You fucking deserve more.”
Why it works: Who doesn’t love sugar and expletives? Find it for $8 at Urbanoutfitters.com.

2. P.S. I LOVE YOU BOX
This handmade beauty product set comes with a Magic Mushroom bubble bar, It Started With a Kiss lip tint, Love Birds soap and Strawberry Feels Forever massage bar.
Why it works: It makes showering together inevitable. Find it for $24.95 at Lushusa.com.

3. TOUGH LOVE NECKLACE
Real love isn’t about Cupid and rainbows. Show your Valentine you’ll love him or her unconditionally with this pewter-heart-and-hammer charm on a sterling silver chain.
Why it works: Nothing says genuine love like an anatomically correct heart and a hammer in case of an emergency breaking. Find it for $24.95 at Fredflare.com.

4. MI CORAZON SPANISH SWEETHEARTS
These are traditional candy hearts with a Spanish twist.
Why it works: Commitment-phobes often have an easier time communicating in a foreign language. Plus, everything sounds sexy in Spanish. Find it for $2 at Fredflare.com.

5. HEART GELATIN MOLD
There’s always room for Jell-O, especially when it’s heart-shaped.
Why it works: He or she would have wanted your heart on a platter eventually. Find it for $5.95 at Mcphee.com.

6. STEEL BY DESIGN CRYSTAL HEART PENDANT WITH 2 GB USB DRIVE
This necklace with a secret USB drive combines fashion and function to celebrate the technical side of love.
Why it works: You could load it with embarrassing photos of the two of you for an added surprise — or blackmail. Find it for $34.92 at Qvc.com.

7. GIFT BOX OF MINI PLUSH MICROBES
Why give your Valentine a teddy bear when you could lavish him or her with plush toys modeled after sperm and egg cells, amoeba, penicillin and mononucleosis? The demented dolls are also available in a set representing herpes, chlamydia, syphilis and penicillin.
Why it works: This is the only case in which you could give someone herpes and make them laugh. Find it for $19.99 at Thinkgeek.com.

Top dogs: Tommy and Sharon Athanasiou created Pitbullshirt.com.

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by Joanie Cox

Sharon Athanasiou and her husband, Tommy, always wanted to start their own T-shirt line, but they never expected to find inspiration in the face of tragedy. In 2009, a pit bull named Smokey was rescued after someone poured acid on his back and dumped him in a California desert. “They literally left him to fry in the sun,” Sharon Athanasiou says. “My husband and I immediately wanted to do something to help.”

Another couple adopted Smokey and, after several surgeries, the dog healed. Now, the Athanasious hope to help other dogs like Smokey through their clothing line, Pitbullshirt.com. The Hollywood couple has created a collection of men’s and women’s pit-bull-themed T-shirts to project a more-positive image of what they believe is the most-misunderstood dog breed.

“There’s definitely a prejudice against pit bulls. In any given shelter, about 30 percent of the dogs there are a pit bull or pit bull mix,” Sharon says. “They’re the most overbred and undercared for breed. We wanted our shirts to convey a message of adoption and rescue.”

The collection currently boasts 24 shirts, including ones with images of pit bulls as bikers and makers of cupcakes. Each design is hand-drawn by Tommy Athanasiou, who also paints portraits of pets as pop-art pieces. “Ten percent of every portrait is donated to an animal charity of your choice,” Sharon says. “Before we started doing the T-shirts about a year ago, Tommy did a pop-art rendition of Smokey the pit bull to raise money for him and then, other people came to us and wanted portraits of their dogs.”

As the Athanasious continued to educate themselves on pit bulls through various advocacy groups, they realized how much discrimination the breed suffers in Miami-Dade County, where pit bulls are illegal to own. “We’ve been working with the Miami Coalition Against Breed Specific Legislation to try to educate people on what pit bulls are really about,” says Sharon, who also owns Snuggle N’ Luv, a pet-sitting and dog-walking service. “Pit bulls are actually great around children and have even been nicknamed ‘the nanny dog.’ It breaks my heart when I see pit bulls used for fighting. It’s people who turn them into that.”

Pit-bull advocates in Broward County, meanwhile, celebrated last week when the County Commission overturned a law that sentenced dogs to euthanasia after just one serious attack on another domesticated animal. The Sun-Sentinel reported that the original law, passed in 2008, led to the euthanasia of 56 dogs, many of them pit bulls or Rottweilers. The new law states that only dogs that have seriously attacked or killed at least two pets will receive a death sentence. A pit bull named Mercedes was pardoned as a result of the new law.

Athanasiou admits to having been afraid of pit bulls. “When people see our shirts, they often share their own opinion on pit bulls, and this opens up the opportunity to change a negative opinion into a positive one,” she says. “Before I met a pit bull in person, I admit I had the typical ‘scary dog’ vision in my head. I was even reluctant to pet-sit one, fearing they were naturally aggressive dogs. Then, I realized how incredibly misinformed I was.”

Pitbullshirt.com has donated proceeds to Villalobos Rescue Center, the largest pit-bull rescue and sanctuary in America, and Rescue Ink, an organization made up of tattooed, tough-guy animal advocates who have a show on the National Geographic Channel.

The Athanasious have many new T-shirt designs in the works, including a vintage-style one bearing the image of the dog that started it all, Smokey. “Our ultimate goal is to use our shirts to inspire people enough to adopt one of these dogs,” Sharon says.

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CLOSE TO THE MADDENING CROWD
Rock act Good Charlotte may be performing in Europe right now, but on Jan. 15, twins Benji and Joel Madden surprised fans at Macy’s Aventura store with an acoustic performance and autograph session. The Maddens were in town promoting their latest album, Cardiology, and completing a multicity mall tour for clothing line American Rag.

“It’s cool that Macy’s is doing this, because there’s not that many record stores around or places where you can do in-store things and meet fans,” Benji Madden said. “Those places have all disappeared.”

While I’d never seen the Maddens before, whether with Good Charlotte or otherwise, I have a newfound appreciation for these brothers. Their stage setup was bare bones, with two guitars, two amps and two microphones. No backup singer or other musician was involved. Listening to their pitch-perfect harmonies and solid strumming between racks of sun dresses and skinny jeans was surreal. And there’s much more to the Maddens than knowing Joel is married to Nicole Richie and Benji used to date Paris Hilton. It pisses me off that those are the topics they get interviewed about the most.

These dudes are also not afraid to poke fun at themselves and crack jokes with overzealous female fans. When these guys came out, tween screams filled the air for two solid minutes. At the start of their performance, Joel said, “Good afternoon, girls and guy. If you want to know where all the hot girls are, they’re at Good Charlotte’s shows.” The brothers then honored every request, including “Like It’s Her Birthday” and “The Anthem.”

Prior to the performance, the Maddens chatted a bit about their current tour and what clothing they’ll be wearing this spring. “Benji’s really into Ray-Ban Aviators right now,” Joel said. “And I’m into denim vests.”

And then I, like a total jackass, asked Joel if he wore any clothing from American Rag, not knowing that the Maddens were promoting the young women’s clothing line. “This vest is actually from American Rag. I took a jacket and customized it,” he said. “But the line that’s on sale at Macy’s is women’s, so we don’t really wear any of it. But I got some of it for my wife.”

Meanwhile, Benji just sat there laughing.

WHAT’S IN STORE
While most grandmothers tell their grandchildren to eat their vegetables and do their math homework, my grandma would take me to the mall after school, teach me math percentages on sale prices and tell me things such as, “If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.” The shoe addiction that was ingrained in my brain at an early age will continue this Friday, when Brazilian shoe and accessories brand Santa Lolla opens its first United States location at Town Center at Boca Raton. Located near Nordstrom in the mall, Santa Lolla’s opening party will feature free Voga Italia wine, 20 percent off new merchandise and a signature beach bag to the first 50 customers. The brand, which is known for its sky-high platform pumps and chic handbags, offers four collections a year with more than 600 items. The party will take place from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m.

Glamazon runs every other week. Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

In the bag: Trendy purses at affordable prices are one reason to step inside Plato’s Closet. (Photo by Joanie Cox.)

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by Joanie Cox

I have a problem letting go. After watching a few episodes of Hoarders on A&E, I felt as if the walls of my closets (yes, closets. Plural) were closing in on me. My friend Felicia has tried to show me the importance of “editing” my wardrobe so I could avoid buying things I already own. But I always find a sentimental reason to hold on to old clothes. It has gotten so bad that my mom and boyfriend will spend hours helping me bag things up. When no one is looking, I just sneak the bags back into the house. Like I said, I have a problem.

So on New Year’s Day, I walked into one of my three closets with the intention of eliminating the clutter from my clothing collection once and for all. I found the size 10 Nicole Miller dress I wore to my homecoming dance. The only shot I have at wearing it again is to get my butt liposuctioned or lose another 40 pounds. I also discovered the Fendi sweater I wore when I met my design idol, Carolina Herrera, and, on a pile in the corner, all the discarded heels I can no longer wear without falling. For several months, I placed my unwanted clothing and accessories on eBay. People bid on my items, won the auctions and never paid me. So much for that.

When I found out Plato’s Closet was opening Thursday in Glades Plaza in Boca Raton, I saw it as an opportunity to make some quick cash and finally get that excess clothing out of my life. The national chain, which has locations in Boynton Beach and Coral Springs, is geared toward young men and women and carries cool clothing from name brands such as Juicy Couture, True Religion, Abercrombie and Fitch and purses and shoes by Jessica Simpson, Marc Jacobs and Ed Hardy. Bring in a bag of clean, gently used clothing, and the staff at Plato’s will sift through it to see if they want to buy any of it. Full disclosure: I sold the store $37 worth of items.

Stephanie Siney, owner of the Boca Raton Plato’s Closet, was inspired to open the store after shopping at the Coral Springs location for several years with her daughter Laci. “I love clothes and I always loved Plato’s as a customer, since the store is well-organized and you really get a chance to be creative with your look,” Siney says.

While volunteering at Boca Raton’s Olympic Heights Community High School and West Boca Raton Community High School, Siney realized how well dressed the students are and wanted to offer teens from a variety of economic backgrounds a chance to sport the same styles. “I really like the idea of recycling clothes, and we charge 70 percent off retail prices you’d find at the mall,” Siney says. “It’s also better than consignment for many because you get cash on the spot.”

Plato’s Closet in Boca Raton is currently stocked with True Religion Jeans, Juicy Couture hoodies, Coach bags and other trendy items. “We look for items that have been in the mall within the past 18 months,” Siney says. “We like to carry the brand names, but we like the trends even more. Selling the latest looks is really important to us.”

The store, which is geared toward ages 13 to 26, also has a men’s department and a used DVD section. But the target demographic shouldn’t deter older women from checking out the accessories. I spotted an authentic Kate Spade handbag for $8, which is an incredible bargain considering that same bag retailed for $175. Plato himself may have been down with this shopping philosophy.

Plato’s Closet is located at 2240 N.W. 19th St., No. 1207 in Boca Raton. Call 561-392-7075 or visit Platosclosetboca.com.

NO SPANX
I always spend the first week of January sweaty and ambitious. I’ll hit the gym every day, doing a full hour of cardio and attending a yoga class. But by the second week of the month, I’m sore and over it. Spanx have been my secret weapon for years, but I did a double-take last week when I saw them in the men’s department at Neiman Marcus. Seriously, if my boyfriend took off his shirt and I discovered he were wearing some sort of man girdle, a.k.a. mirdle, I would freak. Not only is the men’s shapewear selling well at Bloomingdale’s and Freshpair.com, it’s selling out.

“Men may not be talking about it, but they’re buying it,” Nickelson Wooster, the men’s fashion director at Neiman Marcus told The New York Times last year.

In addition to Spanx, companies such as Sculptees and Equmen are offering T-shirts, tank tops and underwear to create the illusion of a slim, toned physique. Despite the economic evidence that there is a market for this stuff, I just can’t picture an average guy squeezing into something like this and heading out for a beer with his buddies. If a man is considering buying a mirdle, he should ask himself, “What would John Wayne do?”

Glamazon runs every other week. Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

Jeff “the Snowman” Monson of American Top Team. (photo by Joe Cavaretta/Sun-Sentinel)

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by Joanie Cox

The fastest growing sport in America has inspired one of the fastest growing fashions trends in South Florida — mixed martial arts fightwear. With Tapout and Silver Star as some of the most mammoth brands, the look has even reached Wal-Mart. Like a Yankees fan who wears a team cap or a Nascar enthusiast with a Dale Earnhardt memorial decal on the back of his truck, MMA fans appear just as eager to flaunt T-shirts representing their favorite fighters, teams and some of the disciplinary messages of the sport such as “Train hard, fight easy” and “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, champions work through it.”

With the overdone look of Ed Hardy’s blinged-out designs left behind in 2009, a new sort of counterculture couture has emerged. While this clothing also started out with ornate, fire-breathing dragon designs, the less-is-more approach is the new wave in MMA clothing. “People don’t want all that noise on their clothes anymore,” says Eddie “Primo” Miranda, who stocks the T-shirts and shorts that fill South Florida-based American Top Team’s gyms and online store. “We run all our designs by our fighters and take a vote. We have them try everything on to make sure it fits right.” Miranda works with tattoo and graphic artists who create new designs for the brand. “The thing that’s still hot is skull and crosses, but we know it’s a fad.”

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American Top Team collaborated with Tapout on two T-shirt designs. Miranda ordered 600 shirts and sold out in five days. “What’s great about our shirts is that it’s not about a T-shirt company,” Miranda says. “Our shirts promote our team.”

That sort of camaraderie is what has attracted MMA fans to the clothing. “You connect real quick. Most of the people that wear the clothing watch the fights,” says MMA follower [and distant relative to the writer] Gaspare Marturano, who has done social networking for MMA line Bushido Apparel. “I have studied martial arts since I was a kid and have been a big MMA fan since the early days of the UFC. I like the fact that there are many different lines of clothing now that represent every taste.”

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While MMA clothing is obviously functional, Larry Novak, creator of Pennsylvania-based Tattoo Fightwear, believes people are also attracted to MMA fashion because of what it represents. “My designs are inspired by personal situations that I have encountered throughout life,” Novak says. “Everyone in life has gone through trying situations, so this clothing became a way to express overcoming it.”

Novak says his brand of T-shirts and tank tops represents “victory over adversity” and that women are getting more involved with the style now. “At the fights that Tattoo Fightwear attends, I do notice women purchasing just as much as the men,” Novak says. “I definitely think the fightwear trend is getting bigger and it’s a great way to get the message out that this is not just a sport where people step in a cage and beat each other up. The sport actually has style and has inspired a whole new type of clothing design.” MMA fashion also seems to appeal to a broader audience than other trendy T-shirt brands have been able to capture.

“We all know MMA is the new ‘it’ thing — fast, violent and sexy,” explains Boca Raton fashion trend analyst Mitch Rymar. “It’s the perfect intoxicant for the 18-to-35-year-old demographic. Hell, I am 46 and love it.”

Rymar says it doesn’t hurt that MMA is the fastest growing sport in South Florida. American Top Team alone has more than a dozen locations in Florida. “With that energy behind it, young-gun designers are looking to take over the world. And for the ones that get it right and also have authorization to use fighter images, mission accomplished.”

Rymar also believes the economy has had an influence on why MMA style has carried over into mainstream culture. “MMA clothing has exciting designs that are dark, gothic and rebellious. This new vanguard of fashion is a mix of personal statement and rebellion. In these times, when we have little control over our job, money or even our future, we can pretend to be our MMA heroes for the cost of a T-shirt.”

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DRESS FOR DURESS
MMA T-shirts can put the warrior into anyone’s wardrobe. Here are some clothing lines and Web sites that take the full-contact sport from the mat to the street.

Tapout.com
Americantopteam.com
Punishmentathletics.com
Tattoofightwear.net
Bushidoapparel.com
Insanityfightwear.com
Fightrack.com
Strikeforcestore.com
Hitmanfightgear.com
Silverstarnow.com

Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

Joanie Cox interviews Christian Louboutin.

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by Joanie Cox

When I began writing this column several years ago, I started a bucket list of designers I’d love to interview. Shoe designer Christian Louboutin was at the top of the list, mainly because he only existed to me in Sex and the City references and on the pages of Vogue. It took me months to learn how to properly pronounce his name — Loo-boo-tah. His obsessed army of fans seemed to have assembled over night. What the hell happened to Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo? Louboutin’s signature red soles appear to be dipped in the blood of his slaughtered competition.

I’ve seen Louboutin’s shoes on the feet of socialites and celebrities at nearly every afterparty in Miami. Still, I was unprepared for an impromptu encounter with the designer himself, which took place Dec. 4 in Miami Beach. Because it was about 50 degrees, women were sporting enough fur to prompt a month-long PETA protest. Mega-rich Miamian Loren Ridinger was hosting an Yves Saint Laurent fashion show with Vogue in her ginormous back yard. Celebrities slated to walk the red carpet included actress-designer Daisy Fuentes and singers Kelly Rowland and Alejandro Sanz. Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez was a surprise guest, as was Louboutin.

A-Rod dodged the red carpet, but Louboutin posed for photos and granted two brief interviews. I was lucky enough to be the Charlie Bucket chick with the invisible golden ticket. Standing in his presence, I felt as if I were losing oxygen. My heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking and sweating. Because Louboutin’s shoes measure 4.72 inches or higher, I can’t wear them. At 6 feet tall, I’d look like a drag queen in his shoes and probably wouldn’t be able to take more than 10 steps in them. The fact that they cost $1,000 a pair doesn’t help, either. But if I had the means, I would wear them around the house while watching Oprah.

So when I met Louboutin, I couldn’t help but ask him: “Why are your heels so high?”

“The higher the better,” Louboutin replied, in a French accent as thick as a baguette. “It’s more about an attitude. High heels empower women in a way.”

While I don’t like getting blisters on my feet from high heels or feeling as if I’m going to fall and end up in the ER, I like that Louboutin offers no apology for his sky-high footwear. While Angelina Jolie, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Oprah and Sarah Jessica Parker are frequently photographed in his creations, he’s one of the few designers who doesn’t give celebrities his shoes for free. Lopez and Parker have to pay up just like you or I would. He believes you “worship” a shoe more when you buy it yourself.

Speaking of worship, Louboutin revealed the must-have sandal for spring/summer 2011 — the “Amber.” He says the 6-inch, double-strapped platform sandal, which costs $2,455 on Saksfifthavenue.com, will be the ultimate walking asset next year.

Although Louboutin recently designed a breathtaking custom pair of $2,495 platform pumps for Aguilera to wear in the movie Burlesque, and his peep-toe and sling-back styles remain popular, he insists his best shoes haven’t even hit the ground.

“Every season, I design new fantasies,” Louboutin brags. “But my favorite shoes are still the ones I haven’t designed yet.”

As our interview wrapped, I told Louboutin a shoelace on one of his sparkling sneakers had come undone. He thanked me, and then made eye contact with a man who lunged to the ground to tie it for him. Yes, it’s good to be in Louboutin’s shoes. Heel, boy.

2010 TRENDS
It’s hard to believe another year on the fashion front is coming to an end. But it’s gratifying to look back at the year that Lady Gaga donned a meat dress and H&M finally came to South Florida. Here are the 10 most-significant national and local fashion moments of 2010.

1. Camouflage makes a comeback. This year, Michael Kors, Guess, Rag and Bone, Steve Madden and Tory Burch went crazy with camo, covering handbags, jackets and shoes with the classic military print. Wearability in 2011: Why not? No one will see you.

2. RIP, Alexander McQueen. In February, a cloak of sadness draped the fashion world after McQueen hanged himself in his London apartment. His designs continue to be coveted and worn by Kim Kardashian, Kelly Osbourne and Katy Perry. Wearability in 2011: McQueen will still be king.

3. Red Carter starts a runway revolution. In July, Carter opted to show his 2011 swimwear at the Bass Museum in Miami and Salon Allure, a debut show at the W South Beach instead of the traditional venue for Mercedes-Benz Miami Swim. Wearability in 2011: Rebellion will never go out of style.

4. Madonna launches Material Girl with her daughter Lourdes. In August, budding fashion lovers and aging trendsetters who can’t let go of the skimpy styles of their youth got a clothing line they could “Cherish.” The Material Girl clothing line launched at 200 Macy’s stores. The Macy’s at Dadeland Mall hosted its own celebration with gift-card giveaways and a chance to win items autographed by the “Material Girl” herself. Wearability in 2011: Studded pleather motorcycle jackets and see-through tank tops were never a good look in Miami, but they will still get you free drinks in the tourist traps on Ocean Drive.

5. The death of Ed Hardy in Miami Beach. Perhaps we can thank our friends from Jersey Shore for this. After the MTV show stopped filming here, obnoxious, blinged-out Ed Hardy T-shirts miraculously vanished from the backs of men and women in Miami Beach. Just don’t repeat the name “Ed Hardy” more than twice, because much like Beetle Juice, this nightmare could return. Wearability in 2011: For the love of God, avoid it all costs. Even if you’re forced at knife-point to wear a Hardy shirt, I repeat, do not do it. The wound will heal.

6. Fashion icon Tom Ford returns. He hadn’t designed a new collection since 2004, but in September, the former frontman for Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent returned with a women’s line modeled by Beyoncé and Julianne Moore. Wearability in 2011: Win the lottery and then you can afford a Ford original.

7. Lady Gaga’s meat dress. In September, Gaga sported a dress made from meat at MTV’s Video Music Awards and demonstrated that USDA can be just as stylish as DKNY. Wearability in 2011: It’ll probably be a little gamey by then.

8. Grifs Western Wear burns down. Also in September, Coconut Creek lost its most-fashionable landmark when Grifs went up in flames. Wearability in 2011: The tack shop, feed store and Western wear retailer still has a location in Davie.

9. H&M opens in Palm Beach Gardens. In November, the 561 gave the 305 some serious style competition. The first H&M south of Orlando finally opened, and fashion fiends who wanted Prada styles at Old Navy prices rejoiced. Wearability in 2011: H&M is 2011.

10. Lorie Lester opens a boutique in Miami’s MiMo District. The local designer’s flirty, floral blouses and little black cocktail dresses have become a staple of Miami’s party scene. Now, shoppers can pop into her store and see her working in her attached studio, which opened in November. Wearability in 2011: The scene in MiMo is just getting started.

Glamazon runs every other week. Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

Joanie Cox at the Masters’ Mystery Art Show

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by Joanie Cox

I hate surprises. As a self-diagnosed control freak, I don’t have the discipline to leave things a mystery. When I was 9, I went through my mother’s checkbook to track the stores where my Christmas gifts would be coming from. Now, I’m the adult who reads spoiler alerts because I have the patience of an ADD kid trapped with a parent in a city hall meeting.

I attended the seventh annual Masters’ Mystery Art Show Dec. 1 at Ritz-Carlton, South Beach, and much like the previous years I’ve been there, I was so caught up in trying to figure out who created the art, I was almost looking through it. The whole point of the event is to leave the artists a mystery like a prize in a Cracker Jack box or a blind box item from the Kid Robot store. Two walls of the hotel are covered with 1,500 post-card-size works. For $50, attendees could take home a piece of art by a Florida International University student, established painters such as Cuban artist Carlos Estevez or a celebrity such as Rosie O’Donnell, but they wouldn’t know until they took the work off the wall and looked at the back. On one hand, it’s a refreshing, pure perspective, more about the art than the artist. On the other hand, it’s a bit of an anxiety attack. However, there is something very cool about not buying a painting or handbag simply because it’s a “Britto” or a “Balenciaga.” You’re purchasing something simply for its design. The labels and hype are stripped away, and it’s just you, the art and one simple question: “Do I like it?”

This year’s twist included a silent auction with one-of-a-kind tote bags embellished by more than 14 designers, including Miami’s Karelle Levy, Julian Chang, Lisa Pliner, Eduardo de la Casas and Adriana Castro, Indian designer Amrita Singh, Richie Rich, and Ken Kaufman and Isaac Franco of Kaufmanfranco, who designed the navy-blue gown Taylor Swift wore to this year’s Grammy Awards . Because the proceeds from the mini artworks and the totes will benefit FIU’s Master of Fine Arts Program, it’s impossible not to be tempted to buy at least one piece of art at the event. Last year, I bought a cool pop-art painting by a Canadian artist that depicts a woman wearing glasses printed with the words Pretend It’s Not Happening. This year, I wanted in on the handbags, but opening bids began at $100, and with my already-tight holiday budget, I went for the wall art instead. As I scanned the wall, I spotted a Twinkie with some writing on it, black-and-white photos of a casket in a hearse and a cool drawing with lyrics from the song “Rocky Top.”

I opted for a $50 hand-dyed clutch that I was convinced former Balenciaga menswear designer Barnabe Hardy made. Since he also had a tote bag in the show, I was positive it was his piece. The leather ties on the side of the clutch and simple shape of it screamed, “Balenciaga.” I was confident I had this right since I am usually able to tell if a guy is wearing a Michael Kors tie or Cole Haan shoes without seeing a label. After I purchased it, I was shocked to discover it was made by FIU students Benjamin Castro and Jacqueline Conos. The handbag, which was made with recycled natural fibers and colored using the ancient Japanese shibori dye resist method, has a brocade lining. Thank you, Benjamin and Jacqueline, for proving a pretentious label whore wrong.

FACING IT
Facialist Kate Somerville has used her skin-care techniques on Paris Hilton, Debra Messing, Kate Hudson and Demi Moore. The Los Angeles-based aesthetician released a book, Complexion Perfection, in March and last month visited Neiman Marcus at Bal Harbour to share her tricks for getting a flawless face. Her line of products, which is sold at Neiman Marcus and includes cleansers, exfoliators, moisturizers and sunscreens, is made with glycolic and hyaluronic acid, green-tea extract and other enzymes. I am so over spending $350 on skin creams. Who cares about looking young when you have an overdrawn bank account? When I drop coin on a cream now, it has to give me instant gratification, like a text message to my skin cells.

I like Somerville’s style because she doesn’t bombard you with products you don’t need and she explains how to fix your facial flaws in a jargon-free way. As a mom who’s frequently on the go, Somerville invented a two-in-one scrub that also acts as a mask. ExfoliKate Intensive Exfoliating Treatment, which is also available in a gentle formula for sensitive skin, costs $85 and uses fruit enzymes to melt dead skin cells. While most masks require a 20-minute application, this one only takes about 30 seconds. This paste, combined with Clarisonic’s sonic cleansing brush, is the closest to an at-home spa treatment you can get.

The self-described “Guru of Glow” believes anyone can achieve better-looking skin, especially if they follow a few simple steps. Somerville breaks it down into five main points:

1. Protect: Use sunscreen.
2. Hydrate: Moisturize skin. Hyaluronic acid and lipids put moisture back in skin.
3. Feed: Restore vitamins in skin topically. Vitamins C and E are proven antioxidants, which fight free radicals that damage skin cells.
4. Stimulate: Increasing circulation by applying Vitamin A and peptides in skin strengthens elasticity and adds smoothness to the face.
5. Detox: Cleanse daily, exfoliate, get a facial and sweat whenever you have an opportunity to.

Somerville also believes everyone’s face has ecosystems. “Your face is like Maui. Maui is the smallest island but it has five different ecosystems. You can go to a rain forest, you can go to a mountain, be in snow, be in a desert and then go in the water,” she adds. “You can be oily in one spot and dry in another. Really look at your skin and get to know it.”

While I’m intrigued by looking at my face as a topographic map, my favorite advice Somerville offers is what to do when zits appear. Since the holidays can be stressful and most of us are not getting enough sleep or hydration, when a pimple pops up, think before you pop. Somerville says there’s a proper way to squeeze a zit and she warns “digging dirty, gross fingernails into skin will break capillaries and cause scarring.”

Every skin-care report I’ve ever read tells you never to pick at a pimple, but seriously people, who the hell is going to really walk around with an about-to-burst whitehead?

“If you’re going to pop a pimple, exfoliate to get the dead layer off, use a warm compress to heat the skin and make it more pliable,” Somerville suggests. “Then, give it a prick with the lancet, wrap your fingers in tissue and gently push the pimple. Use a cotton pad with alcohol or witch hazel to get rid of the bacteria. If you really want to get technical, put a tiny bit of Neosporine to heal it.”

And there you have it. Blemish Banishing 101 from a real pop star.

OFF THE CHAIN
The Miami Heat’s DJ Irie can now add jewelry designer to his swanky résumé, which has included designing a line of sneakers for Adidas and touring as Jamie Foxx’s personal DJ. Irie teamed up with Robin Levinson, co-owner of Levinson Jewelers, to create a line of unisex necklaces and bracelets called Peace Thru Music.

The Nov. 17 launch party at Levinson’s Las Olas Boulevard location raised $12,500 for the Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Miami, an organization to which Irie frequently lends his time. The jewelry, which is shaped like a record with a peace sign in the middle, was a design Irie and Levinson dreamed up together.

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“I didn’t want to do jewelry with typical music notes,” Irie says. “My part was infusing music into the design.”

The limited-edition pendant necklace on a leather cord and bracelet set costs $395 on Levinsonjewelersblog.com. The pieces have also been created with diamonds for fans with deeper pockets. Those items cost $1,900 to $2,500. Irie has already tempted Miami Heat player James Jones to pick up a piece.

While the ambitious DJ reveals that a clothing line soon could be in the works soon, I’m holding out for the Irie Energy Drink. If we could even bottle a quarter of this dude’s energy, Miami would be running with that Basel buzz all year long.

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Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.

Joanie Cox and Nicole Miller

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by Joanie Cox

When I was 17, I saved up all the money I earned babysitting and working as a hostess at Pete Rose Ballpark Cafe to buy a dress from Nicole Miller’s Boca Raton store. At the time, I was shy, gangly and convinced that if I got my hands on a Nicole Miller dress for Spanish River High’s homecoming dance, I would somehow fit in for one night. The dress no longer fits me, and Miller’s Mizner Park location has since closed, but the memory of finally owning a creation by such an iconic American designer was definitely the best part of that dreadful dance. After all, this was the designer who created a dress that looked like Bo Derek’s braided hair for model Carla Bruni in 1993 (long before she became Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the first lady of France). She also made a whimsical line of purses, umbrellas and eyeglass cases covered with images of tabloid messages, candy bars and martinis. In short, when it comes to bright colors and bold prints, she’s not afraid to use either.

On Nov. 6 at the 16th Annual InterContinental Miami Make-A-Wish Ball, Miller hosted a fashion show celebrating 20 years of her work. For the afterparty, a room in the posh hotel was transformed into the “Enter the Dragon Nightclub,” where the runway show would take place. Because I had just finished reading an essay at a more-informal event on Lincoln Road, I was severely underdressed for the black-tie fashion show. The women around me all wore red carpet-worthy Oscar gowns by designers such as Badgley Mischka, Vera Wang and Giorgio Armani.

Wearing a sweater, jeans and cowboy boots, I crept up a winding staircase hoping I could watch the fashion show from there and blend in with the wall. My plan was working until a giant spotlight beamed down on my casual sweater and 30 dudes dressed as a Chinese red dragon appeared behind me banging drums and symbols as they serpentined through the party. In case someone hadn’t seen my inappropriate getup, now I was sure no one missed it. I was instantly transported back to 1997 — the shy, gangly girl wishing she could snag a Nicole Miller dress just to fit in.

The fashion show flowed like the pages of a yearbook. There was the fabulous roulette dress Linda Evangelista wore in 1991, the baseball-inspired dress Christy Turlington worked the runway in 18 years ago and the silky bohemian-chic gown Angelina Jolie wore for a photo shoot in 2005. During the show, Miami socialite Katrina Campins modeled a metallic dress Beyoncé once wore. It was incredible to watch the fashions I had only seen in magazines come to life before my eyes like a Macy’s Day fashion parade. When the show was over, I was lucky enough to be one of two reporters to meet with Miller. She was petite, very friendly and didn’t seem annoyed with my understated outfit.

“I have gotten to dress so many amazing women, but dressing Joss Stone and Angelina Jolie was a dream of mine,” Miller said backstage. “They’re just so incredible.”

My two favorite dresses of the night were a white dress with red stitching made to look like a baseball and an evening gown covered in images of dinosaurs. I have been wondering since the mid-’90s what was going on in Miller’s head when she made these playful pieces. “The baseball dress idea came from doing a Mets wives fashion show,” Miller says. “And the dinosaur dress was inspired by a visit to the Smithsonian.”

While dresses such as these from her boutique line typically cost hundreds, her more-affordable collection for JC Penney, which she launched in 2005, is still going strong. Miller will continue designing dresses, shirts, handbags and shoes, and hints her spring collection will consist of “soft, pretty colors.” With many of her JC Penney pieces priced $14.99 to $50, maybe I can afford to fit in after all.

H & EMPATHY
In keeping with my ongoing quest for fabulous yet inexpensive fashions, nothing was going to stop me from shopping at H&M in Palm Beach Gardens the day it opened. Not after the dozens of letters I had written H&M’s corporate office begging them to open a store here. And certainly not after sneaking out of a dearly departed relative’s funeral in New Jersey (as I mentioned in the May 4 Glamazon). But like most things that are truly worth it in life, this, too, wouldn’t come easy.

My trek to H&M rivaled Harold and Kumar’s quest for White Castle. My dog was puking all over my apartment earlier in the day after nosing through the trash and snatching a half-eaten burrito. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to leave her while I selfishly shopped. Brooke Shields was appearing at an event 80 miles away. I have always wanted to interview her, but I have also always wanted to shop at H&M in my own state. Carpe diem. I hopped in my SUV and headed north on the Turnpike. Then, the skies opened up like a scene from Twister. Miraculously, I avoided three accidents. When I finally got to Palm Beach Gardens Mall an hour and 20 minutes later, I met up with my friend and fellow writer Terra Sullivan. We had worked out a deal a few years ago: When I was at H&M anywhere in the world, I would bring her a present back, and vice versa. I’m sure other females across the Southeast have made this pact with one another, because H&M doesn’t offer online shopping to customers in America.

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Having been deprived of H&M for a decade, true friends in South Florida would never visit New York without bringing back an H&M tank top or hair clip for their girlfriends. When my best friend Linda went to H&M in Philadelphia, she brought me back an adorable lace blouse. But now, I would no longer need a souvenir from my favorite store. The corn field had been plowed into a baseball diamond. The field of dreams was at hand.

We began our 30-minute wait in the long, winding line to enter the store. The second Terra and I crossed the threshold into H&M, we both screamed with joy. There were hugs and high fives all around. But the good cheer proved fleeting. A dark force overtook us. We went into battle mode as we began surveillance on the 20,409-square-foot store.

The scene around us evolved into a more-fashionable version of Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights. Women were running in every direction like crazed fashion zombies. The line for the dressing room was almost as long as the line for the Harry Potter ride in Orlando, and dresses, blouses and shoes were getting snatched off the shelves with impossible speed. A DJ cranked loud bass beats while waiters walked the two-story store with trays of lobster sandwiches and empanadas. No time for nourishment — clothes, only clothes.

Everything in the store was an additional 25 percent off, but only for tonight, and time was running out. I settled on a cream sweater, an olive-green blouse and a broach shaped like a vintage house key. On the way out, I offered to drive Terra to her car. Then, I realized I was so excited to get into H&M, I couldn’t remember where I parked. Terra drove me around the Palm Beach Gardens Mall parking lot for 30 minutes while I pressed my car alarm keychain attempting to locate my car. Much like our long wait for H&M, eventually, we got there. Cheap fashion trends will come and go, but having a friend who’s honest enough to tell you when it’s time to tie an old lady bouquet to your car antenna is the real find.

Contact Joanie Cox at jcox@citylinkmagazine.com.